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Post by ak on Mar 17, 2019 12:47:14 GMT -7
Bubba is driving home drinking a longneck when he gets pulled over. Thinking quickly, he peels the label off his beer and sticks on his arm. When the sheriff walks up to his truck he asks bubba if he has been drinking. Bubba points to his arm and says," No sir, I'm on the patch!"
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Post by ak on Mar 17, 2019 12:50:17 GMT -7
Have you ever heard the shortest fairytail ever?
Okay, Let me tell you.
Once upon a time, they lived happily everafter. The End!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2019 18:54:56 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2019 19:39:19 GMT -7
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Post by stitchdup on Apr 5, 2019 21:46:06 GMT -7
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Post by DeeCee on Apr 6, 2019 2:25:29 GMT -7
Bubba is driving home drinking a longneck when he gets pulled over. Thinking quickly, he peels the label off his beer and sticks on his arm. When the sheriff walks up to his truck he asks bubba if he has been drinking. Bubba points to his arm and says," No sir, I'm on the patch!" Have to try that one... rolling |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2019 1:53:21 GMT -7
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Post by leon on Apr 21, 2019 4:15:09 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by stitchdup on Apr 21, 2019 9:45:15 GMT -7
now i want to try it just to see what happens
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 5:31:15 GMT -7
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Post by stitchdup on Apr 24, 2019 3:42:42 GMT -7
 if you tear a hole in a fishing net, there are less holes than when you started the average number of skeletons in the human body is more than one |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2019 16:14:27 GMT -7
T-shirts are kinda weird, your body goes in through one hole and comes out of 3...
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Post by leon on Apr 25, 2019 17:07:53 GMT -7
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Post by DeeCee on Apr 26, 2019 3:51:06 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by stitchdup on Apr 27, 2019 11:19:30 GMT -7
seems legit, lol  |
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Post by stitchdup on Apr 27, 2019 11:20:27 GMT -7
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Post by Deano on Apr 27, 2019 14:27:18 GMT -7
Little Johnny and the family head to Grandma's house for Easter Sunday lunch. They are all seated at the table and when the food comes little Johnny starts scoffing into it.
"Excuse you!" yells his Mother, " You know that at home we always say a prayer before every meal!!!"
"Yeah" says little Johnny, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
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Post by ak on May 6, 2019 17:15:07 GMT -7
Little Johnny and the family head to Grandma's house for Easter Sunday lunch. They are all seated at the table and when the food comes little Johnny starts scoffing into it. "Excuse you!" yells his Mother, " You know that at home we always say a prayer before every meal!!!" "Yeah" says little Johnny, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!" Good one Deano! |
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Post by ak on May 6, 2019 17:55:38 GMT -7
Johnny's family are going to visit with thier Aunt Edna. Mom and Dad are in the front while Johnny and his little sister Amy are riding in the back. The kids are making fun of Aunt Edna because she is a bit eccentric. Dad has finally heard enough and tells them that they should have a little respect for thier aunt. She hasn't always been the way she is now, as a matter of fact she is a war hero! She served over in the Iraq during Desert Storm and actually took out a whole band of enemy soldiers single handedly when the cargo plane she was in was shot down!
The kids were all ears at this point and wanted to hear the story. Well the plane was hit, the pilot and co pilot were both dead and she had a huge gash in her right leg. Thinking quickly she grabbed a parachute and her M16. She remembered the pilot had been talking about the expensive bottle of tequila he had in his flight bag so she took it too and jump from the plane. Once she pulled the rip cord she olened the bottle of tequila and chugged half the bottle, she then poured the remainder on her leg wound then cut her pants leg off and made a makeshift bandage to stop the bleeding. By now the soldiers on the ground had spotted her and were shooting up into the air and bullets were flying all around her! She reached around and grabs her M16 and returns fire killing 20 of the enemy before she runs out of ammo. By now she is about to hit the ground so she tucks and rolls, swinging around to reveal she hasher survival knife in hand. She cuts through the parachute cords with one swift movement and the eneny solders are on top of her! She fights them off with her knife killing another 12 men before she looses her grip and the knife slips away. Then she still has 8 more men to fight off with her bare hands before she can catch her breath. Once all 40 of the enemy solders are defeated she has to hike 30 miles to get back to her unit and get medical help for her injuries! So you should really show some respect for your aunt!
Little Amy felt ashamed and and said, "I feel really bad poking fun at Anut Edna, I had no idea she was a real war hero, and I have learned that I should treat her with respect!"
Then dad asked Johnny what he had learned. And Johnny replied, " I have learned not to mess with Aunt Edna....especially if she is dri king tequila and bleeding heavily!"
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Post by DeeCee on May 7, 2019 1:04:36 GMT -7
This is not to offend anybody, but down here we have a lot of bike rides who think they are entitled to the whole road, and ride 3-4 abreast on busy roads, and red lights mean nothing, but if something goes wrong, it is ALWAYS the guy in the cars fault. I know, there are plenty of good responsible riders too, i know i am one sometimes. This was spotted on the back of a bus, thought it was very funny..  |
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Post by mmthrax on May 7, 2019 7:39:28 GMT -7
Yeah the DFs give the rest of us a bad name. Problem is, that the DFs aren't restricted to bikes. They're in cars, on motorcycles, on foot. AAAAAAAHHHHH They're everywhere!!  |
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Post by ak on May 7, 2019 18:30:55 GMT -7
This is not to offend anybody, but down here we have a lot of bike rides who think they are entitled to the whole road, and ride 3-4 abreast on busy roads, and red lights mean nothing, but if something goes wrong, it is ALWAYS the guy in the cars fault. I know, there are plenty of good responsible riders too, i know i am one sometimes. This was spotted on the back of a bus, thought it was very funny.. I ride both bicycles (sometimes) and motorcycles (most warm sunny days) and ain't offended at all! It's funny! |
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2019 6:05:51 GMT -7
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Post by DeeCee on May 9, 2019 1:53:04 GMT -7
Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,
19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door,
and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there,
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
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Post by DeeCee on May 9, 2019 1:55:59 GMT -7
°°THE PARROT°° 😜
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50/-
"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The Bird Looked at Him & Said, "Hi Bob.... "
... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED !!
😜
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Post by mmthrax on May 9, 2019 7:04:37 GMT -7
rolling
rolling
those are great
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Post by Deano on May 10, 2019 13:27:22 GMT -7
rolling rolling rolling rolling Those are gold Dale, awesome!
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Post by DeeCee on May 11, 2019 5:50:55 GMT -7
This is a long one guys, but worth the read.... and laugh.. i figure, be a man. own your hair !!  THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING ‘VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN’. (!!WARNING!!SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE) After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit if a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’nt managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’nt heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasent the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect😂😂 |
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Post by leon on May 11, 2019 7:04:06 GMT -7
Nearly fell off my chair laughing so hard! rolling rolling
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Post by stitchdup on May 12, 2019 15:07:47 GMT -7
its worth looking up veet for men on amazon, all the reviews are like that
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