MAKE ME LAUGH !!

So this little old lady knocks on the door of the local bikey gang and this huge hairy dude covered in tatts opens the door,
"What?"
" I'd like to join your crew" says the lady.
" Few boxes to tick first sister, do you even ride?"
" My oath bozo" she replies, " that's my ride over there"
The big fella looks twice at the old girl and then at her ride and nods his head in approval.
" If you want to be a hard arse, you'll need some ink done"
The old lady pulls up both sleeves and shows shoulders covered in wrinkly old tattoos that have been there a long time.
He raises an eyebrow,
"Do you smoke? Air gets pretty thick in here"
"2 packs a day and a cigar when I shoot pool" she replies.
"Swearing and name calling bother you bitch? he says testing her out.
" Not at all numbnuts!'
Finally impressed, he says 1 last question,
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She stops and thinks about it for a minute,
"No, but I have been swung round by the nipples once or twice!!!"

rolling

Those are both funny.

Make sure to wash your face after spraying pearls, you get some funny looks in shops when you have a glittery face, as I found out last night when i went for milk

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the
order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as
long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall chick with a big (Word Censored By Forum Administrator) and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."😂

Those are great!

rolling

Paddy says to Mick "have you heard the news?, three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths"
"thats amazing" says Mick "what are the chances of them all having the same names"

That's great.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers,
and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete (Word Censored By Forum Administrator)."

Reminds me of one...It is on the edge of off-color.  Moderators feel free to delete if it is over the line.

My co-worker likes to wind people up so one day he says to a passerby in the parts department.  (Some tech or salesman)

"Holy cow, I was just reading the news.  Did you hear about that poor kid born at Parkland?"  (Big hospital in Dallas)

"Yeah the kid was born without eyelids so they had to use his foreskin and create new eyelids for him."

"Yikes!" the passerby would say  "Is he OK?"

"Yeah he's fine, he's just a bit cockeyed."



What a goofball.

rolling rolling

Speaking of a little off.
Bloke goes to the doctor with a lump between his eyes. The doctor looks at it, touches it, squeezes it, takes a scraping and pulls out a sample with a syringe. Finally he says to old mate,
" You're growing another penis,"
" WHAT??" exclaims the man, "You must be kidding!"
" No", says the doctor, " but don't worry, you won't see it."
"Why not" he replies.
"Because the testicles will hang down over your eyes!!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
That's him on Aisle 5.