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Post by stitchdup on Dec 15, 2018 11:03:06 GMT -7
One of my friends asked me if there were any other programs like street outlaws. I recommended Ru Pauls Drags Races
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Post by leon on Dec 15, 2018 13:02:43 GMT -7
Good one Les!  |
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Post by stitchdup on Jan 9, 2019 2:11:33 GMT -7
So a new guy started on the boat this week. It's his first time ever working on a boat and he was previously a car valeter. The boats not running this week due to the annual surveys and maintenance. At some point during the day the captain asked him to give the outside of the wheelhouse/bridge a clean while he went for his lunch. When he came back from his lunch he nearly fell over the side laughing at the new guy. The guy had only gone out to his car and got all his cleaning stuff and proceeded to t cut and polish all the paint and was in the process of setting up the slings so he could hang out the side and get the rest done, but to be fair he did a really good job at it and had done exactly what he was told to do.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 10:18:38 GMT -7
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Post by DeeCee on Jan 24, 2019 3:21:55 GMT -7
INDIAN CURRY RHAPSODY
Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had Lime Pickle Now He's Dead
Naan, Dinner's Just Begun
But Now I'm Gonna Crap it All Away
Nann, ohhhh ohhhhhh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen Nothing Yet Just See the Loo Tomorrow
Curry On, Curry On
Cause Nothing Really Madras
Too Late,
My Dinners Gone
Sends Shivers Down my Spine
Rectum Aching All the Time
Goodbye Onion Bhaji,
I've got to go
Gotta Leave You All Behind And Use the Loo
Nann, Ohhhhh Ohhhhh
The Doopiaza is so Mild
I Sometimes Wish We'd Never Come Here at All
Guitar Solo (Or banjo depending on who you are!)
I See a Little Chicken Tikka on the Side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh,
Pass the Chutney Made of Mango
Vindaloo Does Nicely
Very Very Spicy
Meat
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a Nann
(A Vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've Eaten Balti, Somebody Help me
He's Eaten Balti, Get Him to the Lava-try
Stand you Well Back
Cause the Loo is Quarantined...
Here it Comes
There it Goes
Technicolour Yawn
I Chunder
NO!
It's Coming up Again
(There he Goes)
I Chund-Its Coming back Again (There he Goes)
Coming Back Again (Up Again)
Here it Goes Again
(No, No, No, No, No, No NO)
On my Knee's Im on my Knees
On his Knees, Oh, There he Goes
This Vindaloo
Its About to Wreck my Guts
Poor Me.... Poor Me..... Poor Meeee....
Guitar Solo
So you Think you can Chunder and Feel Alright?
So you try to eat Curry and Drink Beer all Night?
Oh Maybe, But now you Puke Like a Baby
Just had to Come out
It Just had to Come Right out in Here
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Post by mmthrax on Jan 24, 2019 10:00:34 GMT -7
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Why the long face?"
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Post by mmthrax on Jan 24, 2019 10:03:37 GMT -7
A guy goes to the doctor:
"Doc, I just can't stop singing Delilah."
The doctor replies, "Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Wow doc, it is very common?"
The doctor replies "It's not unusual."
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Post by mmthrax on Jan 24, 2019 10:27:37 GMT -7
There are three construction workers on a high rise building. A Mexican, an Italian, and a blonde.
They sit down to have lunch and open their lunchboxes.
The Mexican says "If I have tacos one more time I am going to hurl myself off this building!"
The Italian says "Yeah, if I have pasta for one more day I'm going to hurl myself off this building!"
The blonde says "Guys I hear you, if I have baloney and cheese one more time I'm going to hurl myself off this building!"
The next day the mexican opens his lunch to reveal tacos...."That's it!" Whoosh, down he goes to his death.
The italian opens his lunch to reveal pasta.... "That's it!" Whoosh, down he goes to his death.
The blonde opens his lunch to reveal a baloney sandwich...."That's it!" Whoosh down he goes.
Since this was such an unprecedented tragedy, the construction company had a funeral for all three guys.
The wives were sitting around sobbing and consoling each other.
"If he would have only said something, I would have happily made him enchiladas, or tamales."
"Yes, if he would have only said something, I would have happily made him a calzone, or sausage and peppers."
The blonde guys wife says "Hey don't look at me, he makes his own lunch!
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Post by stitchdup on Jan 26, 2019 9:15:14 GMT -7
pahaha I know a different version of the workers one but its not repeatable here
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Post by Deano on Feb 1, 2019 23:52:31 GMT -7
Some gold here guys, well done. Two cops came to a mate's front door last night with a picture. They asked him was it his wife and he said yes. The cops looked at each other and said they were very sorry but it looks as though she's been hit by a bus. The mate said yeah but she's great with the kids!! My wife says I only have 2 faults. ! is that I don't listen and the other was something else she was rattling on about.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2019 9:34:34 GMT -7
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Post by stitchdup on Feb 12, 2019 13:41:25 GMT -7
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Post by mmthrax on Feb 12, 2019 17:42:29 GMT -7
I saw that coming a mile away. Hilarious.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2019 5:55:37 GMT -7
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Post by mmthrax on Mar 4, 2019 8:45:16 GMT -7
A short gun story.
A guy walks into a crowded bar
waving his unholstered pistol and yells
"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven
round magazine and one in the chamber,
and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.!
A voice from the back of the room calls out
"You're going to need more ammo."
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 4, 2019 11:39:32 GMT -7
rolling rolling
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Post by stitchdup on Mar 5, 2019 3:09:47 GMT -7
Someone left their car locked up and blocking the loading ramp for the boat this morning. The refused point blank to move it and left to go out on their own small boat, leaving our boat unable to load. I suggested putting a brick through the window but the captain had a better idea. One of the crew got the forklift and the car is now jammed in tight between 2 containers front and back. the containers are tight enough to it that they wont be able to jack it up to move it without scratching the paint or damaging the bumpers
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Post by leon on Mar 5, 2019 3:36:48 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by ak on Mar 15, 2019 23:42:21 GMT -7
This thread is so long that I'm not sure if the jokes I know are already here or not...that being said, forgive me if you've heard this one.
A man collapsed on a busy sidewalk. A woman seeing what just happened ran over knelt down and started loosening the mans collar. Just then another man pulls the woman back and says, "Step aside miss, I know CPR." She watches as the man checks the fallen mans vital signs and starts CPR. Then she touches him on the shoulder and says, "I just want to let you know that when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
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Post by ak on Mar 15, 2019 23:45:15 GMT -7
I think it was the late Goerge Carlin that posed the question: "Ever wonder why we drive on a parkway, and park in a driveway?"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2019 6:18:27 GMT -7
I think it was the late Goerge Carlin that posed the question: "Ever wonder why we drive on a parkway, and park in a driveway?" I love that one for sure. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2019 6:20:38 GMT -7
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Post by leon on Mar 16, 2019 9:16:57 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by DeeCee on Mar 16, 2019 21:47:33 GMT -7
This thread is so long that I'm not sure if the jokes I know are already here or not...that being said, forgive me if you've heard this one. A man collapsed on a busy sidewalk. A woman seeing what just happened ran over knelt down and started loosening the mans collar. Just then another man pulls the woman back and says, "Step aside miss, I know CPR." She watches as the man checks the fallen mans vital signs and starts CPR. Then she touches him on the shoulder and says, "I just want to let you know that when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." rolling haven't heard that one mate icon_giggles |
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Post by Deano on Mar 16, 2019 22:04:31 GMT -7
Two wives go out for a 'girls' night out where they both get very drunk. This of course means that on the walk home they need to pee and this happens as they are passing the local cemetery. With nothing to wipe with, one uses her panties, the other uses a wreath of a nearby grave. Next morning, one husband calls the other and says " No more girls nights out, mine came home with no panties!" That's nothing said husband 2, " Mine came home with a card in her crack saying 'You'll never be forgotten', from everyone at the fire station!"
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Post by leon on Mar 17, 2019 2:26:01 GMT -7
Good one Deano! rolling
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Post by moramarth on Mar 17, 2019 5:01:33 GMT -7
I'm decorating the lounge prior to putting my house on the market. I've written "I will kill again" in red paint on the wall then papered over it. That should give the new owners something to think about when they change it.
(Stolen from Sickipedia)
M
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Post by ak on Mar 17, 2019 5:04:58 GMT -7
A 55 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Doctor, Your in pretty good shape for a man your age.
Man, Good, how long do you think I have?
Doctor, Well, do you smoke?
No.
Do you drink?
No.
Do you stay up late and chase wild women?
No.
Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the sun doing things like fishing or playing golf?
No.
Do you do any dangerous activities like riding motorcycles, racing cars or skydiving.
No doc, I don't do anything like that.
To this the doctor says, Well, why do you care how much more time you have left?
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Post by ak on Mar 17, 2019 5:07:16 GMT -7
I'm decorating the lounge prior to putting my house on the market. I've written "I will kill again" in red paint on the wall then papered over it. That should give the new owners something to think about when they change it.
(Stolen from Sickipedia)
M
🤣🤣🤣 |
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Post by ak on Mar 17, 2019 12:40:06 GMT -7
If I use ethanol fuel in my self driving car, can it get pulled over for DUI?
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