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Post by stitchdup on Apr 26, 2018 15:34:42 GMT -7
Look closely   |
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Post by stitchdup on Jun 27, 2018 12:51:18 GMT -7
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Post by leon on Jun 27, 2018 13:23:27 GMT -7
rolling
That's a good one Les!
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Post by Deano on Sept 13, 2018 1:03:23 GMT -7
Mum and little Johnny are in the car heading along the freeway. As they go under the overpass, someone chucks a huge dildo over the side and it bounces off the windscreen. "Holy (Word Censored By Forum Administrator)" says little Johnny, "what was that?" " Just a bug" says Mum. "Fair enough" says Johnny, "But did you see the size of the (Word Censored By Forum Administrator) on it?"
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Post by DeeCee on Sept 13, 2018 1:32:01 GMT -7
rolling AWESOME !!!!!
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Post by leon on Sept 13, 2018 2:39:48 GMT -7
You just made my day Deano! rolling
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Post by coyotecrunch on Sept 14, 2018 11:10:46 GMT -7
Little Johnny was doing homework, and he asked his Dad....
"Dad - what are the definitions for Theoretically and Reality?"
Little Johnny's Dad said, let me explain it to you this way....
Run upstairs and ask your Mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for half a million dollars.
Little Johnny ran upstairs, asked his Mom, and came back downstairs - Mom she would do it!
Little Johnny's Dad said, now run upstairs and ask your Sister if she would sleep with the neighbor for half a million dollars.
Little Johnny ran back upstairs, asked his Sister, and came back downstairs and said she would do it as well!
Little Johnny's Dad said, well then....
Theoretically, we are millionaires - BUT in Reality we are just living with a couple of whores!!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2018 23:09:02 GMT -7
Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble. “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?” When she didn’t stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil. “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.” A while later the teacher asked “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber. Jimmy poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny. “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm. Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Jimmy jabbed her with the pencil. This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A**!!” The teacher fainted. pardon had to share  |
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Post by leon on Sept 15, 2018 4:11:12 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by stitchdup on Sept 17, 2018 0:51:52 GMT -7
Rupert, an upstanding married businessman is on a trip to russia to meet his business partner olaf. The first day they meet and olaf shows him the sights of moscow, and takes him out for a meal. After the meal is finshed olaf announces to rupert that since this is his first time in russia, he has arranged for rupert to spend the night with the finest hooker in russia. Rupert is a little put out by this but reasons that there is no way his wife will ever know. So later that night ruperts banging away while the hooker screams push harder, push harder. Rupert thinks this a little odd but carries on thinking it is a russian thing.
The next day he meets up with olaf for a few rounds of golf. He tee's of first and olaf exclaims AH PUSADA then quickly translates it to english "Wrong hole"
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 1:50:51 GMT -7
nerwth_bf-devilsmiley
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Post by leon on Sept 17, 2018 2:11:56 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 2:16:27 GMT -7
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”
The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 2:32:00 GMT -7
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is.
"The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about.
"The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!
"The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.
"Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
"The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?
"The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2018 21:23:33 GMT -7
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
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Post by coyotecrunch on Sept 24, 2018 5:18:32 GMT -7
Good one knight!!  |
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Post by 406 Silverado on Sept 24, 2018 7:29:07 GMT -7
😂 those were good.
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Post by stitchdup on Sept 24, 2018 7:29:59 GMT -7
Well while i was at the pub, there was a load of US tourists in (5000 visiting on a liner today) and people were getting wound up because they pronounced scottish cities wrong. so here's a handy guide for you on how to pronounce the names right. Edinburgh - ed in bur ah Glasgow - glass go Dundee -shee eye t . I might not have helped but it made me laugh, lol
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Post by coyotecrunch on Sept 26, 2018 9:23:09 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 7:20:50 GMT -7
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see….Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.Officer: Why not.
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the! car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral: Don’t mess with little old ladies!
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Post by leon on Oct 27, 2018 9:14:10 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by DeeCee on Oct 27, 2018 23:13:08 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by lowlife on Oct 28, 2018 4:37:27 GMT -7
Cop sees a guy speeding, and starts to give chase.... Faster and faster they go until finally the guy slows down, and pulls over.. The guys watching in his mirror as the cop walks over and then taps on the window... The cop says ' hey buddy you wanna tell me how fast you were going back there? ' Man says ' Er maybe 70? ' So the cop says ' Buddy I clocked you at nearly 95, so listen up. I got 10 minutes before my shift finishes, and I could do with getting home on time to the wife, and not staying late dealing with all the damn paperwork this will need...So, you got 2 minutes, give me a decent excuse why I shouldn't book you, otherwise your in trouble...' And the cop walks back to his car. Couple of minutes later the cop returns, 'So, you wanna tell me why you was speeding Sir? ' Man says ' 4 weeks ago my wife ran off with a road traffic cop, when I saw you in my mirror chasing me I thought you was bringing her back ! ! ' 'You have a nice day Sir'  |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2018 9:21:29 GMT -7
::dead::that's funny for sure!
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Post by Deano on Nov 5, 2018 22:31:05 GMT -7
Blonde walks into the dry cleaners and drops off her little black dress. "Thank you," said the lady behind the counter, "Come again!" "No," replied the blonde "toothpaste this time."
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Post by DeeCee on Nov 6, 2018 2:58:33 GMT -7
rolling rolling rolling
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Post by leon on Nov 6, 2018 3:02:49 GMT -7
rolling
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Post by lowlife on Nov 6, 2018 4:43:22 GMT -7
Ah blonde jokes !!
A blonde is having trouble selling her car, and asks her friend, a brunette, for advice...
Well, says the brunette, it's old and has high milage, tell you what my boyfriend works in a garage, pop in now and see him and he'll put the clock back for you, it will sell easier then !
2 weeks later the brunette bumps into her blonde friend and says hey, have you sold the car yet ?
And the blonde says No, why would I sell it? It's only got 25,000 miles from new ! !
Blonde is driving down the road when she spots another blonde in the middle of a grassy field, she is in a small boat, and she's rowing !!
Hey, shouts the girl from her car, it's blond girls like you that give us blondes a bad name ! !
If I could only swim I'd drag you out that boat....
And finally.... What do blondes use for protection when having sex ?
Bus Stops ! !
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Post by stitchdup on Nov 12, 2018 14:13:15 GMT -7
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Post by leon on Nov 12, 2018 15:40:41 GMT -7
rolling
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